What happens when a sociopath destroys your life? How do you pick up the pieces?
This is a question each person has to answer for themselves. This is a time of deep soul searching, of depending on those dear friends and loved ones around you, and of reclaiming the optimism that God blesses his children with. How to move forward after being abused so badly depends on who you are, what is important to you, and what you want out of life. As Christians, though, one of the steps in healing is dealing with Christ’s mandate of forgiveness. How do you forgive a sociopath?
Forgiveness is a concept often spoke of in Church, and just as often mis-spoken of. The things we are taught about forgiveness often are more based in old wives’ tales than Scripture. We will take a look at what the bible says forgiveness is, what forgiveness is not, and how and why to forgive a sociopath. Because we all know the verses in the Bible that deal with forgiveness, I won’t be exhaustive here, but urge the reader to re-read the examples of forgiveness in the Bible in light of what I have written so far about sociopaths who also call themselves Christians.
There is a reason we need to take a fresh look at forgiveness in light of an experience with a sociopath. The sociopath has no conscience and no moral compass, a condition so impossible to fathom for the rest of us that when we think, teach, and preach of forgiveness we just simply don’t take it into account. Christians expect the best in others, and we live in a culture now of "I’m OK, You’re OK" pop psychology that has forgotten that there is a cosmic and heavenly battle, fought here too on earth, between good and evil, God and Satan. We don’t expect to find this kind of evil in our very own church or in our family, but C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity, reminds us that Satan is at work in the Church- especially in the Church. Satan works hardest to destroy those that God already has. Adam and Eve found out the hard way when the snake in the garden they saw everyday and trusted beguiled them to eat of the apple to their own death and destruction.
Whatever experience you have had with a person of no conscience, though, forgiveness is the key to healing.
Biblical Language of Forgiveness
Probably the most universally well known passage we hear about forgiveness is in the Lord’s Prayer. "Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us." There is a lot packed into that little line, and I want to take a look at it for a moment.
The Lord’s Prayer is really an expression of the identity of the Christian. Scholars say that the first Christian Creed is the Disciples’ confession, "Jesus is Lord!" The Lord’s Prayer teaches us who that Lord is, what he taught, and who we are as children of the Father in Heaven.
The hardest teaching we find here in the Lord’s Prayer is that forgiveness is not an option. The Greek language actually says "forgive us our sins just the same as we forgive those who sin against us." This is a mandate to forgive that promises us that just as we give, so shall we receive. There is no wriggle room here. The case simply cannot be made Biblically that forgiveness is an option- not if you want to be forgiven yourself.
Next, there are no conditions set here. Jesus didn’t say, "Forgive us our tresspassess as we forgive those who say they are sorry," or, "Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who amend their ways." The burden of forgiveness doesn’t rest on the offender- it rests on us- the offended. "Forgive us just the same as we forgive others." The promise in this passage depends on our own cultivation of a a life-style of forgiveness, and our own appreciation for the gift of forgiveness God gave to us. What’s more, is we all know that the failure to forgive or the absence of a lifestyle of forgiveness is really Satan’s stranglehold on our lives and it can choke off God’s spiritual blessings.
To fully understand forgiveness, though, we have to know what it is that needs to be forgiven.
When we pray, “forgive us our sins”, what exactly is a sin? We have a pretty good idea that when we break one of the Ten Commandments we are committing a sin. What does Jesus actually say here about the nature of sin? Where does the line of sin begin and end?
Khata is the Hebrew word which we translate into sin. In Greek the word is hamartano. In both of these languages the word means “to miss the mark”. It’s a word that is related to the language of archery, in which the goal is always to hit the Bull’s Eye. The Bull’s Eye represents perfection. Anything in life that is less than total perfection is missing the mark, and therefore is sin. Think about your own efforts at darts or archery, and how often you hit a Bull’s Eye. Even the most skilled archers hit fewer Bull’s Eyes than they do spots on the rest of the target. In life, we aim for the Bull’s Eye, and seldom hit it square on. Every effort we make or everything we do in life that falls short of that Bull’s Eye is sin. Missing the mark is missing the mark. This is what Saint Paul was thinking of when he said, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” We all are sinners. We all miss the mark in egregious and erroneous ways every day. The only people who do not fall into this category are those who hit the mark 100% of the time, of which there are none.
Once we understand what sin is, we can better understand what forgiveness is. In the Greek language of Lord’s prayer, Jesus it makes it clear that forgiveness is the antidote to Satan and his works. The word for forgiveness used in the prayer is aphes. Notice how closely this word resembles the word for the serpent, ophis. There is a play on words going on here in this petition, since the syllable “a” in Greek indicates negation of the noun. We can tell these are totally different words when we write them, but when they are spoken in the original Biblical language, they sound quite similar. The kind of forgiveness that Jesus Christ is talking about negates and cancels out the power of Satan and the work of the serpent as the cause of sin in the world and in our lives.
And that is what forgiveness is really all about- a mindset, an act, a lifestyle, a position, all dependent on the saving work of Jesus Christ, that cancels out the power of the work of Satan in our lives.
Forgiving the Sociopath
If you have tangled with a sociopath, you have experienced through a human being the power of the work of Satan in the world. What sociopaths do to people leave long lasting scars and marks, and the only thing that cancels out the power of those scars and experiences is forgiveness. The call to forgiveness in the case of a sociopathic individual presents certain challenges to the Christian. First of all, research shows that sociopaths do not want to be forgiven. In fact, they don’t believe that they have done anything wrong in the first place, and many believe that the language of forgiveness is a major weakness. As I have already shown, though, the call to forgive is not dependent on the offender. The call to forgive is a command of God that depends on him and the power of God to help us forgive. This power of forgiveness is not always about temporal things of earthly relationships and friendships, but it is really about cancelling out the power of Satan’s work in the world. In many cases, the Christian act of forgiveness helps to heal relationships, to motivate an individual to amend their life and repent, and to make us better people, but there are many times too where the forgiveness God calls us to offer falls on deaf ears as it does with the sociopath.
The Bible is actually clear about this. Let me explain. There is one animal throughout the Old Testament that is used to represent the person with no conscience. Jesus expands that imagery to include two animals. Matthew 7:6 says,
"Do not give what is holy to dogs; and do not throw your pearls before swine, otherwise they will trample them under foot and turn and maul you."
The call to forgiveness in the case of the sociopath is not a call to cast God’s pearls before swine, but rather a call to embody in our lives God’s highest ideals. Forgiveness is not about us- it is about God- and through forgiveness God heals even the depest wounds in our lives.
Take for example the relationship between Jacob and Esau. The Bible says that God hated Esau. In Hebrew, this meant that God loved Esau less than Jacob- and that there was some part of humanity that was missing in Esau. Elsewhere the Bible describes how Esau ate- like a dog. Esau may be one of the first examples of sociopathy we have in the Bible, underscored by how desparately his mother worked to keep him from getting his full inheritance. Esau, the older brother, would have complete and total control over the family once his father died- and for some reason, the mother who birthed him could not live with that. Jacob took part in the deception, perhaps knowing Esau’s destructive nature.
Esau chased Jacob around the land trying to kill him. Jacob fled- until one day he couldn’t run anymore. He sent his servants ahead with gifts for his older brother, in the hopes of appeasing him and avoiding certain death. Esau excepted the gifts and urged Jacob to join him and all his people. Jacob asked for forgiveness and he also forgave Esau, but there was no reconciliation as we think about reconciliation. While Jacob understood the language of forgiveness, Esau didn’t. In fact there was no acknowledgement at all on Esau’s part of the constant quest to take his brother’s life. Esau only urged Jacob to bring his household to travel with him, and Jacob feared that Esau would get them all in the camp and slaughter everybody and subsume Jacob’s household and wealth. Jacob would not let his servants go with Esau, and Jacob would not join his brother either. He turned around and went the other way. The two brothers didn’t see each other again until many years later at a funeral. There is no record of the two ever coming together again.
Forgiveness looks very different with the sociopath, but there are broad over-reaching aspects of forgiveness that every Christian must understand.
Total Forgiveness
Dr. Kendall has delivered a powerful message in his book, “Total Forgiveness”. This is an important work and touches on every possible aspect of forgiveness. Kendall asserts that forgiveness may be the most important concept presented in the Lord’s prayer. While some versions of the Lord’s Prayer in the Gospels end in “thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.”, In the book of Matthew, we read this: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” This postscript, says Kendall, shows that forgiveness is serious business- required business. There is no way to escape this expectation of the Christian life.
I mentioned earlier as we looked at the language of this petition that the implication is if we do not forgive, neither will we be forgiven. To those of us who understand that we are saved by grace, not works, this can present a quandary. Isn’t forgiveness a work? Kendall says that it absolutely is, and a required work at that for the Christian. He shows that forgiveness is not a salvation issue, though, but a quality of Christian Life issue. He maintains that Salvation is unconditional, but fellowship with the Father is conditional. He says that justification before God is unconditional, but that anointing of the Holy Spirit is conditional. Our status in the family of God is unconditional, but our intimacy with Christ is conditional. Our eternal destiny- whether we go to heaven or hell- is fixed, but receiving an additional reward is conditional. This petition in the Lord’s Prayer on forgiveness is the first of the three petitions that address our relationships with other human beings. It shows that the vertical divine-human relationship is interdependent with the horizontal relationship each of us shares with humanity. A failure or refusal to forgive may be forgiven in the Kingdom of God, but the consequences for such a lifestyle and behavior are dire indeed for this lifetime. Some studies even show that people who forgive live longer and have fewer health problems.
Dr. Kendall beautifully explains what total forgiveness is, what it isn’t, and how it is done.
What is Total Forgiveness?
Kendall lists about 10 characteristics of what total forgiveness is. I will simply summarize some of them here, which does little justice to the profundity of what Dr. Kendall is getting at.
Total forgiveness is being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them. He says, “It is no spiritual victory to think we are forgiving people when we are only avoiding facing up to their wrong behavior”.
Total Forgiveness is choosing to keep no records of wrong. Dr. Kendall says, “Love is a choice. Total Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling- at least at first- but it is rather an act of the will. It is the choice to tear up the record of wrongs we have been keeping”.
Total forgiveness is refusing to punish.
Total Forgiveness is not telling what they did- though he also says that we can’t knowlingly allow a person to do the same thing to others he has done to us.
Total Forgiveness is being merciful. Dr. Kendall says that the Bible makes clear that God is merciful, and He is just. He says, “Because He is merciful, God does not want to punish us; because He is just, He must punish us because we have sinned against Him. So how can both of these sides of God be satisfied simultaneously? The answer is the crux of the Gospel.” Kendall says that Total Forgiveness is not devoid of self interest. He cites the beatitude that says, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.”
Total Forgiveness is Graciousness There was something about living and serving in Odessa Texas that had graciousness written all over it. In West Texas, Southern Belles still exist. There is a graciousness to their lives, their conversation, their relationships, and their faith. There is beauty and joy in this kind of graciousness, and the picture of the Southern Belle shadows what Total Forgiveness is all about. Kendall says that “True forgiveness shows grace and mercy at the same time.” He makes a distinction between grace and mercy. Graciousness lacks the self-interest that mercy can so often have, and is the aspect of our faith that goes above and beyond simple mercy. Kendall discusses the word “epieikes” in the Greek, which means tolerance or forbearance. “The idea was: Do not make a rigorous stand against your enemy even when you are clearly in the right”. This same word, says Kendall, describes an exceedingly rare act of grace. He says that it “cuts across a legalistic spirit.” Mercy is the act of doing no harm. Graciousness goes beyond that and seeks the welfare and well being of those who have sinned, for example us. Part of graciousness is a spirit of tolerance, forbearance, and gentleness. Graciousness does not place people in bondage. Another part of graciousness though is that it is shown by what we don’t say.
Total Forgiveness is an Inner Condition . Dr. Kendall has discovered that total forgiveness must take place in the heart or it is totally worthless. If the noble idea of forgiveness is not internalized, it finally ends up being just words. Dr. Kendall says that in his experience, many people who are in need of forgiveness do not believe they have done anything wrong at all, or if they know they did something that is viewed as wrong by some, they believe it was justified. Dr. Kendall says that “reconciliation is not an essential tool for total forgiveness… one does not need to know whether one’s enemy will reconcile.” This forgiveness is such a radical inner condition that it is independent of what others do or do not do. Forgiveness doesn’t depend on the sinner, it depends on God. In the same way, we live an inner lifestyle of forgiveness in and of ourselves, it is a part of our identity, which is irrespective of the identity of those who need our forgiveness.
What about the idea that people need to repent before we forgive them? This has presented quite a problem to many a pastor and faithful Christian. While Jesus calls us to repentance, he regularly forgave people before they repented. While he was on the cross he said, “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do." We can be certain that when they were nailing him to the cross and tormenting him they knew exactly what they were doing, on one level. What they didn’t know was that they were committing a sin. They thought that what they were doing was justified. They did not feel guilty, nor could they. They did not have remorse. There was something very sociopathic about crucifixion. Jesus still pleaded for their forgiveness.
Consider the woman who was caught in adultery and was about to be stoned. After Jesus saved her life, he said to her, “go and sin no more”. Did we see any account of her repentance? We know that she was guilty of adultery. Jesus did not dispute this when he argued for her life. He pleaded with the men for mercy and graciousness when he said to them, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”.
How about the paralytic? Jesus told him that his sins were forgiven. Did he ask for forgiveness? Did he repent of something? There was certainly some intense awareness of his defect, which the Pharisees taught was his punishment for either his sin or the sin of his parents. In the same way that his sense of repentance was possibly an internal thing, so is total forgiveness.
Finally, what about the prodigal son? Books have been written about this story, and we almost always view the son’s return to home and his request for forgiveness as the reason why he received his father’s forgiveness. A closer look though will show that the Father possessed an inner condition, an inner heart of forgiveness long before the son even considered repenting. The Father’s heart of forgiveness was expressed in the longing we see for his son to come home, the sorrow and grief he bears for what his son did to him, and in the love that never ended.
In the same way, a responsible Christian response is this kind of forgiveness, which is more of an inner condition for the disciple of Christ rather than something that is predicated upon the repentance of the one who needs forgiveness.
Total Forgiveness is the absence of bitterness. Kendall says that “bitterness is an inward condition. It is an excessive desire for vengeance that comes from deep resentment.” Kendall questions whether or not there is much room for the Holy Spirit in our hearts when they are filled with bitterness. If we are bitter we can’t engage in the kinds of relationships that are full of integrity, fertile for Christian witness, and transformative. Kendall says, “Although we often do not see it at first, all of our bitterness is ultimately traceable to a resentment of God.” Bitterness is not only a reflection on ourselves, more than anything else it is a reflection of our relationship to God.
What Total Forgiveness is Not?
Total Forgiveness is not approval of what they did. So many people think that that the Bible is outdated or not credible. Still others think that the grace of the Gospel gives carte blanche approval of people, sins and all. These are the arguments theologians and pastors often use to build a position that not only approves of sin, but celebrates it. Kendall reminds us that God never approves of our sin. God hates sin. God forgives people without approving of their sin. In fact, our necessity of forgiveness pretty much pre-supposes that we have committed something that does not meet God’s approval.
Total Forgiveness is not excusing what they did. Some theologians don’t want us to call out sin. It is not sensitive, they say. Kendall reminds us that Total Forgiveness does not mean that we cover up for the sins of other people. This is a matter that should not and can not be ignored. Pastors and Religious authorities that do so, violate the spirit of forgiveness.
Total Forgiveness is not justifying what they did. To practice total forgiveness, we also have to be careful not to justify sin or what somebody has done to us. To justify something means to make it right in the sense of insisting that the sin had a good purpose, or was understandable given a situation.
Total Forgiveness is not pardoning what they did. Kendall says, “A pardon is a legal transaction that releases an offender from the consequences of their action, such as a penalty or a sentence.”
Total Forgiveness is not reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19, “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting the message of reconciliation to us.” This is a wonderful aspect of Christianity, but it clearly says that Jesus doesn’t excuse or pardon or sins. He just doesn’t count them against us. A commitment to forgiveness doesn’t mean that we seek reconciliation with the sinner at any cost. Every sinner has reconciliation in Jesus Christ, but sometimes a pastor might have to ask somebody to leave the church, or a family member has to create distance between themselves and somebody else in the family that has done a horrible thing. This doesn’t mean that he isn’t practicing forgiveness. This doesn’t give the pastor a right to be punitive. However, when the Gospel is at stake and you are being forced to participate and approve of teaching that is destructive or contrary to the Bible, or reconciliation means you will place yourself in a position to have your life devestated again, you actually have a responsibility to avoid reconciliation. In fact you have the responsibility in most cases to move to sever such a relationship like Jacob did. For example, a person who is sitting in the pews would not be a true disciple if the thought didn’t occur to them that maybe they shouldn’t be going to a Church that practices false teaching. This doesn’t mean that these people don’t love their denominations or their congregations. In fact, it means that they understand the centrality of Christ’s call to forgiveness, and that a forgiving Christian is not at fault if they do not reconcile or stay in the relationship. Dr. Kendall knows, though, that “forgiveness and reconciliation are not always the same”.
Total Forgiveness is not denying what they did. Sometimes pastors encourage their parishoners to deny the evil that somebody’s sin imposes on our lives with the idea that this is the true path to forgiveness. To embrace forgiveness we must stop our denial.
Total Forgiveness is not blindness to what happened. We have been conditioned to believe that if we have forgiven somebody we will be blind to their sin even if it hurts us, themselves, others, or society. We all have heard of the phrase, “turn a blind eye”, and we all have practiced doing that from time to time. Kendall says that willful blindness is a conscious choice to pretend that a sin did not or is not taking place. In reality, says Kendall, true forgiveness of a wrong does not pretend that no wrong is there. Even so, that’s exactly what we tend to do. We turn a blind eye to the sins of the Church or of others because it is just too hard to bear. Sometimes we are thankful that everyone is blind to our sin too. Not only that, it is exceedingly more difficult to stay in relationship with those around us if we see their sin. We choose instead to fix our gaze on the Easter Lilies, or other beautiful things rather than recognize the ugliness of sin. We become so blind to what is going on that we become enablers of the sin. This kind of blindness not only undermines true forgiveness, but it insures that the destructive forces of sin have an unfettered authority to ravage our institutions, our families, and even our own lives.
Total Forgiveness is not forgetting. An often repeated cliché in Christian circles is “forgive and forget”. The phrase is poetic, but not Biblical. Kendall says that forgiveness has nothing to do with amnesia. He writes, “It is a demonstration of greater grace when we are fully aware of what occurred- and we still choose to forgive”. After all, if we forget about it, we may fall into the trap of letting it happening again, and again and again. People whose lives have been ravaged by the offenses of sociopaths just can’t let that kind of destruction happen again and again again. Our gracious God does not require this of us, but gives us a memory in part so we might live an abundant life.
Total Forgiveness is not refusing to take the wrong seriously. Kendall writes, “Some people may think that in order to forgive they must dismiss a wrong or pass it off as inconsequential or insignificant…. The greater victory for the one who does the forgiving is to face up to the seriousness- even the wickedness- of what happened and still forgive.” Even as we forgive, we are responsible for holding the line on standards and expectations for the Christian life, particularly for the office of pastor and other roles of ministry within the Church. All people are qualified to be forgiven.
Total Forgiveness is not pretending we are not hurt. The damage a sociopath can do to others is tremendous, almost inexplainable. Movies are made based on the wreckless abandon sociopaths have when it comes to hurting other people. God knows when we are hurt, and wants to heal us.
And that really is what forgiving the sociopath is all about- embracing God’s deep desire to heal us, the offended, not the offender. As we struggle to forgive somebody who has no conscience, who could do anything to hurt anyone at anytime, we should know too that Jesus is walking with us. Jesus knows what we have been through. Jesus knows how hard it is to let it go, but he also promises to help us and give us power on our journey to forgiving even the greatest evils done to us. For this we should pray, but also be thankful that our God is so gracious that his call to forgiveness is not just another requirement of the Christian life, but the way in which he rewards us with an abundant life.
